A milestone is a moment we often look forward to with hope and excitement. For young people, this might be starting secondary school, passing exams, graduating, going to prom, celebrating birthdays, or navigating other important life transitions.

These moments are usually associated with pride and celebration. However, for children and young people who have experienced the death of someone important, milestones can also carry a quiet ache, highlighting the absence of the person they wish could be there to share it with them.

Why milestones can feel hard after a bereavement

For many bereaved children, milestones highlight what has changed. They may think about who should be there, who they wish could see them, or what their loved one might have said or done.

This can bring up feelings such as:

Sadness or longing
Anger or frustration
Guilt about feeling happy
Anxiety about moving forward
A sense of something missing

Some children may worry that enjoying a milestone means they are forgetting the person who died. Others may feel that certain dreams, like sharing achievements with a parent, grandparent, sibling, or special person, have been taken away. These reactions are normal and understandable.

The ‘loss of dreams’

When someone dies, it is not only the person who is lost, but also the future moments imagined with them. Children and young people may grieve the idea of:

A parent seeing them start secondary school
A loved one attending their prom or graduation
Sharing exam results or career dreams
Celebrating milestone birthdays together

This is sometimes called a secondary loss, the grief for what will never happen. These feelings can resurface again and again at different stages of life.

How age and development can shape these feelings

Children and young people understand milestones differently depending on their age and stage of development:

Younger children may notice the absence in simple ways, such as “Who will come to my party?” or “Who will walk me to school?”
Primary-aged children may compare themselves to peers and feel different or left out, especially if other children have two parents or grandparents present.
Teenagers may think deeply about the future and feel grief for long-term dreams, weddings, careers, or family life they imagined sharing with the person they lost.

As children grow, they may revisit their grief with new understanding, especially at significant life transitions.

What can help children and young people at milestone moments

Every child’s grief is unique, but there are gentle ways adults can offer support:

Acknowledge the mixed feelings
Let children know it’s okay to feel happy and sad at the same time. Milestones can hold both joy and grief.
Talk about the person who died
Sharing memories or imagining what the person might have said can help children feel connected rather than alone.
Create new rituals
Lighting a candle, writing a letter, wearing something meaningful, or setting aside a quiet moment can help honour the person who is missing.
Give permission to enjoy the moment
Reassure children that celebrating does not mean forgetting. Love does not disappear when someone dies.
Be patient with emotional reactions
Big milestones can bring unexpected emotions, before, during, or after the event. Changes in behaviour or mood are often part of processing grief.

Every child’s journey is different

Some children may want to talk about their loved one during milestones, while others may prefer distraction or privacy. Some may feel intense grief, while others may seem unaffected at the time and reflect later.

There is no right or wrong way to experience milestones after a bereavement. Grief can resurface in waves, especially during transitions and achievements.

A gentle message of reassurance

Milestones can be bittersweet for bereaved children and young people. They remind us of what has been lost, but they also show how much a child continues to grow, learn, and thrive.

It is possible to carry grief and joy together. Remembering someone does not stop life from moving forward, and moving forward does not mean leaving someone behind.

With understanding adults, safe spaces to talk, and compassionate support, children and young people can navigate milestones while keeping their loved one in their heart. They are not alone, and their feelings, whatever they are, matter.

To talk with a member of the team at Guy's Gift and find out more about how we can offer support for grieving children and young people, please call 0845 467 3035 or email info@guysgift.co.uk.

How to Support Bereaved Children and Young People Through Important Moments